Josh Hamilton: If ESPN had Lifetime Movies.

Lifetime, Television for Women, hasn’t had a movie involving a baseball playing maverick who falls hard and fights back after drug addiction, at least that is what my hours of “research” have told me (and by research I mean, I don’t watch Sunday afternoon movie marathons, really, I don’t, I swear, Ok ok… but I do watch The Golden Girls). However, if ESPN made movies for Lifetime, the story of Ranger’s cutie, Josh Hamilton, would make a fantastic first screenplay.

Josh went straight from high school to being drafted in 1999 by the Devil Rays where he played around their minor league system. Josh was considered a very promising young player, alas, a car accident would mark the beginning of a tailspin in 2001. Hamilton’s was still a name in the minors for the Devil Rays, but before the 2004 season, when he was set to start to play in the majors, he was suspended after violating the MLB’s drug policy. In fact, Josh failed several tests and got numerous violations, and even after vowing to get clean, get rehabbed, and play again, the league wouldn’t have him back. Cue the dramatic Lifetime movie music. Will our hero find a way to get back on top?

Hamilton was reinstated in 2006 and after some shifting around during the draft, landed in the Cincinaati Reds roster. He proved himself at their spring training coming into the regular season with a camp hitting average of .403. On his first game back in the majors in several years Josh received a 22 second long standing ovation. This would be the moment in the movie where you start to tear up. You might even have to put down your Ben and Jerry’s and spoon to grab a Kleenex.

Josh Hamilton now plays for the Rangers, and, along with his wife, regularly speaks out on the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse, which, by the way, is exactly what the scrolling text would say at the end of the movie, while we watch a freeze frame of him hitting a homer out of the park as a one-off version of “I Believe I Can Fly” plays in the background. That’s when you get up to pee, check yourself in the mirror, and vow to run five miles tomorrow because you’ve wasted your entire day watching Lifetime movies and eating ice cream.

 

Gratuitous

 

 

 

 

LOLfootball

fail.

 

Battle of the Bad MLB Haircuts: Cut that Shit.

Tonight, just as my boyfriend I were sitting down to dinner, he flipped on the Phillies game which was just beginning. I enjoy watching baseball on TV. It’s a nice experience at the ballpark, but on TV, for the most part, you get a lot of interesting info via the commentators that you can’t get sitting in the stands. This evening the Phillies were playing the Reds at home.

After a quick three outs by the Phillies pitcher, Reds pitcher, Bronson Arroyo took the mound. I was totally unprepared for what I saw.

Apparently, Bronson never got the memo that attempting to look like Scott Stapp (former Creed front man, former and current douche bag) is NOT cool. Having hair that long in baseball is simply unnecessary. Two pitches in his dirty blond mane was just plain dirty looking. It was sticking out from under his hat in a way that vaguely reminded me of a NASCAR fan. (Disclaimer: I hate NASCAR, deal with it.) Why in God’s name would you keep your hair so long if you are a baseball player… a pitcher, no less? It’s not practical and it doesn’t look good. Three words Bronson: Cut that shit.

I did find out, after doing a google search on this guy, that apparently Bronson likes to believe he has a music career. Stick to your day job B, I’m quite sure it pays you well enough to afford a decent haircut.

All of my disgust for Arroyo’s hair, reminded me that there is one person on the Phillies who has a hideous ‘do as well. Chase Utley.

Please, please no hate mail. The guy has 21 home runs and counting and is leading the league in All Star votes- not to mention his undeniably chiseled jaw line. Let’s just say, I’m a fan. HOWEVER, his hair is extremely problematic. Right now, it’s so bad, I’d prefer him to leave his batting helmet on. Actually, come to think of it, that would be pretty hot either way…

I digress. With this look, Chase is either trying to be The Fonz, or a baritone in an Olde Tyme barber shop quartet. Chase has a great wife and I just don’t understand how she can let him leave the house like that. I also can’t decide whether or not he uses product to achieve that kind of sheet. These are things I guess the world just isn’t supposed to understand.

 

So, tonight in Philadelphia, it is the battle of the bad haircuts. Currently, my Phillies are hanging in there by one run. Frankly, I don’t think that a team who has a starting pitcher who once wore corn rows stands a chance… but hopefully, the Phils will at least win by a hair.

Jon Lester is the Chuck Norris of Baseball.

Jon Lester is 24 years old and has already achieved more than most people do in an entire lifetime. He has pitched in the winning game of the World Series, beat Cancer (which began during his career in the majors), and he thrown a 130-pitch no-hitter, which was only the 17th in Red Sox History.

 Jon’s story is the stuff of legend, and it is only a matter of time before boastful statements about him drift their way around the internets. You may remember the endless list of “Chuck Norris Facts” that gained popularity several years ago. They may have been a little over the top, but, truly, if there were a list of “Jon Lester Facts” they would read something like this…

Jon Lester pitches left handed because Major League Baseball has deemed the right one too powerful.

Jon Lester only loads the bases to practice getting himself out of jams- and to drive the ladies wild.

Jon Lester once stopped a steal simply by asking the runner not to. He listed because he had so much respect for Jon Lester.

 

He may be no “Texas Ranger” but this Red Sox Hottie has pitched his way into my heart. Man, that was cheesy. I apologize.

 

The Many Moms of Sports

In honor of Mother’s Day (whether you think it’s a Hallmark Holiday or not, it’s been around for 100 years now so it’s here to stay), I’ve decided to compile a list of the various types of “sports moms”. Some are good, and well meaning, and others are… not so much. All of them, however, are female fans of the game, and they deserve a spot on this page.

The Soccer Mom

 V. Becks there isn’t what you would typically envision when you picture a soccer mom, but these days, it’s getting closer to reality. Obviously, SM’s have developed a cult following in the erotica community because if you run a Google search for them you will find a plethora of pornographic material.

More traditionally, however, soccer moms are the doting wives, loving mothers, and mini-van with “mom’s taxi” bumper sticker driving, women who bring the orange slices to Sunday youth soccer games. And, hey, that’s ok! Without soccer moms there might be no “Mom jeans” or 90’s Clinton administration. If you know a soccer mom make sure you thank them for all they do. And also, maybe introduce her to the brave new world of boot cut!

 

The Celebrity Sports Mom (Living the Dream)

These are the moms whose kids are already the sports stars and, in some cases, their own celebrity begins to equal or surpass that of their own offspring. In recent years it’s been the football moms who have gotten all of the screen time. Who can forget Wilma McNabb peddling Chunky Soup, or Brenda Roethlisberger hocking… Chunky Soup?

Well, if there is one thing these women teach us it’s that MOMS LOVE CHUNKY SOUP. I wonder if baseball moms love it just as much? I think maybe it’s too warm- I bet they probably really like Italian Ice or gazpacho. Now THAT’S what I’d like to see… Sheila Papelbon: Spokeswoman for Rita’s.

The “No, That’s Not My Mom” Sports Mom.
aka Drama Mama

These moms L-O-V-E confrontation- almost as much as they love you. And nobody, and I mean nobody, can tell them that you’re not the best damned Insert Sport Here player! They are usually found causing some sort of ruckus in the stands, arguing with the volunteer coaches of t-ball leagues, or being escorted off of the property of a junior high school. If this woman is your mom, you’re most likely to be seen hiding in the port-a-toilets beyond right field and asking your best friend for a ride home in her mom’s mini-van.

The “Hot Mamas” of Sports.
Ok, ok, so they’re not all technically mothers, but we have to give some credit where it is due. Ladies like Danica Patrick and Maria Sharapova are not only kick ass females who excell at their games, they’re also regulars on the Spanktravision of many, many men. And, maybe one day, if they decide to reproduce, they’ll become the next generation of uber-hot soccer moms. The cycle continues.

 

 

 

Random Off-Season Hottness: Brady Quinn.

I am back after a LONG week (and then some) of work and weddings. It’s amazing how many things can keep a person from sports hottie writing!

Today, rather than focus on the myriad of playoff games that are going on or the second full month of major league baseball that’s heating up, I’d rather take a look at a man who probably isn’t doing a whole lot of actual playing right now: Brady Quinn.

I’d like to imagine that whatever it is that Mr. Quinn does in the off season, it involves being in the out-of-doors and being scantily clad. Perhaps he enjoys doing some yard work, or maybe he just likes fanning me whilst I sway in a hammock. It could go either way.

Perhaps, he’s more into indoor pursuits. In which case, I think he’s probably keeping busy by pondering his next big haircut move and how Cleveland Orange compliments his eyes.

However, in reality, I am guessing he’s busy with mini-camps, photo shoots, and filming more ads for that questionable, post-workout energy potion.

Here are some down-time pics of BQ (not plain) to tickle your fancy.

 

 
He also might be watching Rock of Love (I and II) marathons on VH1… It’s possible.

See you at training camp!

Not So Great Moments In Female Sports Fan History

You can love your team in many ways. You can wear their logo, deck out your car in bumper stickers, make your home into a shrine to them, or even buy seasons tickets to their games. However, it is generally illegal to run out onto the field to give them kisses of appreciation.

Let’s go back, wayyy back before the intarwebs, before the CD player, and before some of you were even born. The year is 1971 and a 17 year old baseball fan named Morganna Roberts is seated in the front row at a Cincinnati Red’s game. On an alleged dare from a friend, Morganna left normal fanhood, and entered into infamy. She vaulted onto the field (her and her enormous fake breasts) and planted a kiss on Pete Rose. Thus, Morganna The Kissing Bandit was born.

Over her career, Morganna kissed many famous names including Nolan Ryan and Don Mattingly. Each time she was arrested for disorderly conduct but each kiss made her a legend. She even made appearances on late night TV.

These days, Morganna, that crazy recluse, grants no interviews and is basically in hiding. Can you imagine if someone tried to do this today? They would take one step on the field and be shot by a sniper… or taken into custody to be questioned by Homeland Security. And I’m sure the players these days who are now getting multi-million dollar contracts wouldn’t be amused either if some crazy yet busty lady kept trying to kiss them while they were at bat.

Man, they’re no fun.

LOLBaseball

Prince Fielder steals second. September 29, 2007. The Associated Press.

NBA Playoff Hottness Factor: Pistons v. Sixers

Tonight the NBA playoffs kick, er TIP off. There are some pretty obvious front runners in the mix this year (Boston) but there are also some serious underdogs as well. On the subject of underdogs I will take a look at the hottie force of the Sixers, and looking at the front runners, the Pistons. Tonight’s match up, from the team record standpoint, should heavily favor the Pistons. However, I like to think that maybe the W’s and L’s aren’t EVERYTHING when it comes to playoff magic.

Andre Iguodala, the new AI in Philly, has averaged about 20 points per game this season. He’s battled some nagging injuries at the tail end of the season but he is also considered to be a difference maker and power player for a Philly team short on playoff experience.

Andre (because we’re on a first name basis) stands 6’6″ tall, has been playing in the NBA for three years, and majored in education at Arizona. I’d like him to teach me a thing or two… hmm.. what?

 

Then there is Jason Smith. To be perfectly honest with you, I don’t think that he has been a terribly GREAT player for the Sixers this year. It’s his first full season with them and he’s only averaging about 15 minutes in each game. However, I’d like to think that maybe his first experience in the playoffs could be great for young Mr. Smith.  Like, for instance, if 3 other players suffer game-ending injuries in the same night, he could be right there to swoop in and save the game. … It could happen.

Jason Smith played for the Colorado State Rams. His middle name is Victor which is both dorky and adorable all at the same time. He looks as sweet as pie- I like to imagine that his mom still packs halftime snacks for him before games with little “good luck notes” tucked between the orange wedges.

 

The Pistons’s Aaron Afflalo has been hot and cold on the court this season, but he’s been consistently hot… to me… in my pants… drool. The biceps alone have got to count for something. There are a lot of other extremely talented players on the Pistons roster, but Aaron has got the hottness edge, and frankly, that’s what this article is all about. There are a billion other blogs on the Internet that will examine to death every angle of the NBA playoffs, I chose to take this angle. And Afflalo could choose any damn angle he wants. Go on with your bad self!

 

My predictions? Honestly, I don’t think the Sixers have much of a chance, but they’ll look spectacular trying. The Pistons are a pretty powerful team with a great record. It will be a fun series to watch, but judging by the score (46-51 at the time of writing) it won’t because of the great competition on the court. I could be wrong, though. It has happened from time to time.

UPDATE: Sweet Jesus what an ending. The Sixers just rocked Auburn Hills. Anything really CAN happen in the playoffs.

Easily Amused

I do this because I love I Can Has Cheezburger  and because simple things make me laugh.

 

Georgia v. Auburn, 2006.  The Associated Press.